Rage, Jokes and Arguments
by michael1812
Summary: An impossible pairing. Or not? Set in 'Scratch N Sniff', D'Argo has the weirdest experience ever. And he is dying to get rid of it.


D'Argo pulled the tentacle out of his eye.

The freaky sensation of joined consciousness made his head twirl for a moment, and his eye hurt like it had just went into Starburst.

But there was something else as well.

As he looked at John, who stood to his right, and to that Raxil creature to his left side, he felt his head throb, like it was going to explode.

"Well, this is fascinating."

"Who said that?" D'Argo hollered.

John and Raxil looked at him as they pulled the tentacles of that strange green creature of their eyes.

"My my, this is truly interesting."

"Who is this?" D'Argo shouted.

Corridors of Moya flashed in front of his eyes, until he actually stood there in his mind.

It was a strange, cloudy hallucination, and a experience he had never felt before.

"Ka D'Argo." The voice spoke. "You have a most extraordinary mind."

D'Argo hissed as he saw Scorpius standing in front of him.

It took him a moment to realise that in fact it wasn't Scorpius.

It was Harvey.

D'Argo reached for his Qualta Blade.

Even in his mind he carried the trusty sword and rifle upon his back and he pointed it towards Harvey.

"There is no need for violence." Harvey said. "And besides, if you were to fire upon me, it wouldn't do any damage."

D'Argo pulled the trigger and a small flag appeared where usually pulse-fire emerged from D'Argo's weapon.

The word 'BANG' was written on it.

"Very funny." D'Argo said. "But I can still kill you with my bare hands!"

"Understand, dear Luxan, that I cannot be killed, because I am not real."

"Perhaps," D'Argo said, "But I'm going to try anyway."

As D'Argo's hands wrung around Harvey's neck, he heard John talk to him in the 'other world'.

* * *

"D?" Crichton said. "Are you al right?" 

"Does he do this often?" Raxil asked.

"No, he doesn't." John said as he pushed the little creature out of his way. "D'Argo, what's the matter?"

* * *

"How did you get here?" D'Argo shouted at Harvey. 

Harvey managed to free himself from D'Argo's clutches; his Scarran strength he inherited from Scorpius turned out to be very useful.

"I know as little as you do!" Harvey said.

"I don't believe you." D'Argo said.

"Believe whatever you like!" Harvey replied. "I am here! I don't know how, but that does not change the situation!"

"Well," D'Argo said. "I'm going to get you out!"

"And back to Crichton? Do you really think he would agree to this? John is glad to be rid of me, I tell you!"

"I don't care what John thinks." D'Argo replied. "You're going back."

"Well, thank goodness. I'm sick of this place already. Crichton's mind is heaven compared to your mind. His mind is a labyrinth of emotions and ideas, whilst your mind is but a platonic pit filled with anger and hate and memories of your wife. And memories of Chiana with your son..."

D'Argo smashed Harvey in his face, which made him hit the ground with a painful smack.

As Harvey looked up to D'Argo, he smiled.

"And rage." he added.

D'Argo hissed.

* * *

"D?" 

"Harvey..." D'Argo said to Crichton.

"What?"

"Harvey is in my head!" D'Argo shouted at the human. "Take him out!"

"How?" Crichton asked.

He hadn't even noticed the neural clone had been removed from his mind.

Although John did feel much lighter...

"I don't know!" D'Argo replied. "All I know is that I want him out! He has to go back!"

"What, to my mind? I don't think I like the sound of..."

"GET HIM OUT!" D'Argo said to Crichton as he grabbed his waistcoat with a intense rage.

"Okay, okay..."

Crichton agreed to take Harvey back, and they both put the green tentacles of the creature in their eyes again.

As they entered joined consciousness again, John and D'Argo found themselves back in the auction hall.

"Okay, and now what?" John said.

D'Argo looked around.

"I don't know." he said. "Try calling him."

"Yo, Harv!" Crichton shouted.

Harvey appeared, responding to his call like a dog, trained to go back to it's master whenever it hears it's name.

"You rang?" he joked.

"How the frell did you end up in D'Argo's mind?" Crichton asked, looking from D'Argo to Harvey.

"I am not sure. Perhaps it's the fact that our minds are now linked." Harvey said.

"Yeah, we are bonded...I kind of suspected something like that." John said.

"You know what?" D'Argo said. "I REALLY don't care. Get out of my mind."

"Whatever you say." Harvey replied.

As they both pulled the tentacles out of their eyes again, they looked at each other and skimmed through their minds.

"That's weird." John said. "He's supposed to be back, but I don't feel him."

* * *

"You're still in here!" D'Argo shouted at Harvey. 

"Yes, I am." Harvey said. "I honestly must say I've tried everything to return to Crichton, but all my attempts were unsuccessful."

D'Argo looked at Harvey in agony.

"So I guess you're stuck with me." Harvey said.

D'Argo hissed.

"Perhaps I can learn to get used to all these new emotions, and memories, and this unfulfilled and unquenched thirst for vengeance...I certainly like that..."

* * *

"So how does it feel...?" John asked. 

"Frell you..." D'Argo answered. "I'm not leaving until he is OUT of my head!"

"But what about the girls?" Crichton said.

"Yeah, your females!" Raxil interrupted.

"Shut up!" both D'Argo and John shouted at her.

"This is probably all your fault!" John said to Raxil.

"Oh, no this is your fault!" D'Argo said to Crichton.

"You probably put Harvey in my head, so that you could be rid of him!"

"I totally did not! How was I supposed to do that if I didn't even know how to do it?"

"I don't know! You probably asked her to do it!" D'Argo shouted.

"I didn't do anything!" Raxil squealed.

"Shut up!"

"This is not my fault!" John said. "This is probably not the fault of any of us! This is Harvey's doing!"

"Oh, yeah, blame Harvey. That's what you do all the time."

"I do not! When have I EVER done that?"

"Every single time you mess up!"

"Harvey is always buzzing in my ear! You can't blame me for that!"

"Well, I do!"

"Well, sure you do! You probably blame me for losing the girls as well!" Crichton replied.

"What? You blame me?" D'Argo said.

"Neither of you are to blame!" Raxil interrupted.

"SHUT UP!"


End file.
